I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
