i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
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Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
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Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I think I just sharted jello shots
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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