looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
