I wish my penis had an off switch
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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