Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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