I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
