I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
