3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
