he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
