sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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