Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
