what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My liver just had a heart attack.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Randomize
