So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
