I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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