And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
