you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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