yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
