Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
