I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
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Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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