Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
