Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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