Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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