Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
