Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
