You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The air was thick with penises
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
