Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
