well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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