I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
