he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
