our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
