I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
