life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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