I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
