I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
