his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
