i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
