Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
