how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
