I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
