I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize