remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
