Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
