It's like a parade of train wrecks.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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