There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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