I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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