I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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