Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
