my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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