The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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