I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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