I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You ruined the universe
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
