I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
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You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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