Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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