Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
