you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
