I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
