my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
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Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
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This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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