Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
