...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
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His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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