I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
